I’m applying to jobs. Sometimes, it gets maddening to write the same professional cover letter over and over again. So I write silly ones to raise morale. Sometimes I send them. Sometimes I don’t. But in the mean time, they can be enjoyed here! (P.S. You should hire me)
Company name has been changed to protect the innocent
Dear Mercury Games Hiring Committee,
On a rainy afternoon, you find yourself standing at the front steps of a psychic shop, hoping to try some unorthodox hiring methods. All things considered, it seems fitting to find the company’s next writer with a tarot reading. After all, Mercury Games makes a choose-your-own-adventure app game based on the tarot arcana.
You enter the shop, the bell above the door chiming gently. The air is perfumed with sage and sandalwood, crystals and candles wink from the shelves that line the shop. You hear a faint mewling sound by your feet and look down–a green-eyed cat blinks up at you expectantly. You obligingly scritch behind the cat’s left ear.
“Watch out, he has fleas.”
A rough voice jars you out of your mystic reverie. In front of you is a long-bearded man wearing a patchy bathrobe. He pulls a pipe out of one of his pockets and sticks it in his mouth. As he puffs, multi-colored bubbles float merrily from the pipe. Out of the corner of his mouth, the man mumbles. “Demon fleas.”
This was not what you had in mind for magical talent recruitment. The cat next to you yowls, seemingly in agreement.
Flustered, you ask, “Are you…?”
“Yeah, I’m the wizard. Djiminizad, the wonderful wizard of whatever. Call me Jim. That hellspawn on four-legs is Azazel. You’re here for mystic LinkedIn to find your perfect writer.”
You nod and Djiminizad–Jim–gestures grandly towards a table in the corner of a shop. You take your seat as the wizard pulls out a deck of ancient tarot cards. He shuffles them like a casino blackjack dealer before fanning them out on the table.
“Pick a card. Let’s find you a writer.”
You let your fingers hover over the deck, drawn to a sense of warmth near the center. You pull a card.
“The Magician,” Jim scratches his long white wizard’s beard. “Your perfect freelance writer wants to tell Mercury Game stories, stories that give women adventure, agency, escape, and of course, romance! They’re the kinds of stories she has been writing for years. She can create characters that draw you in and stories that captivate the mind. And when it comes to jumping into different tones or perspectives, she’s as nimble as a flipping marmoset.”
“What’s a marmoset?” You ask.
“I don’t know, ask Shakespeare. He seemed to think it was pretty dang nimble,” Jim shrugs. “Choose another card.”
You’re immediately drawn to a card towards the far right of the deck. You turn it excitedly and reveal the Page of Swords. The wizard nods with satisfaction as Azazel the cat jumps on the table to examine the cards.
“She’s a woman of action, this writer. She’s proactive, enthusiastic, and energetic. She’s deeply familiar with the unique challenges of writing for a content app and is constantly pushing herself to be better everyday. She takes feedback like a champ and is always open to learning how she can improve.”
“She sounds perfect!” You exclaim. This is turning out better than you had expected. “How do we get in contact with her?”
Djiminizad the Wizard holds up a solemn hand. “There’s one card left.”
Quickly, you pull a card that juts out from the left of the deck. As you turn it, your heart drops heavily, like a stone into a deep well.
“The death card? My perfect candidate is going to die?”
“No,” Jim replies gravely. “Your perfect candidate isn’t going to die. She already has. You’re new Mercury Games writer is a ghost.”
Jim stares intently at you as horror grows in your gut. Then the wizard’s face dissolves into raucous laughter, punctuated with the occasional snort.
“I’m just kidding! The cards are saying this writer is extremely attentive to deadlines,” Jim chuckles. “The cards like to have a little joke once in a while.”
Unamused, Azazel the cat swipes at her master’s hand. Jim yanks his arm away from the possibly demonic feline and glares. “Fine! Sorry! It wasn’t that funny!”
“Mr. Djiminizad,” you ask hurriedly, hoping to refocus the conversation. “How do I find this magician?”
“According to my psychic heebie jeebies, she should be here in three…two–”
As Djiminizad the Wizard opens his mouth to say “one,” the bell above the shop door rings.
“Jim, you ready for movie night? I’ve got pizza and The Craft!” A voice calls out, clear and strong. You whip around to see a woman with a warm and intelligent gaze, her arms holding a DVD case and a pizza box. Jim jumps to his feet and relieves her of the pizza. He pops open the cardboard box and pulls out a melty slice, still steaming. He uses it to gesture grandly at the woman.
“Representative of Mercury Games, allow me to introduce you to Lexie Sharabianlou, Magician, Page of Swords, and Deadline-Adherer.”
Lexie smiles and holds out her hand for a handshake, “Pleased to meet you.”
Leave a Reply