I’m applying to jobs. Sometimes, it gets maddening to write the same professional cover letter over and over again. So I write funny ones to raise morale. Sometimes I send them. Sometimes I don’t. But in the mean time, they can be enjoyed here! (P.S. You should hire me)
Dear Selection Committee at [Undisclosed Company],
I am writing to apply for the Writer in Residence program.
You enter your offices on an ordinary Monday morning. Awaiting you is a pile of comic books and young adult novels. The scent of magic hangs heavy in the air. From the pile emerges an ethereal vision of writerly grace, a powerhouse of creativity, a pillar of content collaboration–LEXIE SHARABIANLOU.
She has a resume in her hand. It smells like peaches and Saturday morning cartoons. The words are made of fireworks. They fly off the page and dazzle your retinas:
KAPOW! “MASTER STORYTELLER WITH A MASTERS IN CREATIVE WRITING!”
BLAMO! “LOVER OF YA NOVELS, CARTOONS, AND ROM-COMS!”
ZING! “HAS A TENDENCY TO MAKE UP IDENTITIES FOR INANIMATE OBJECTS AND CONSTRUCT ELABORATE BACKSTORIES ABOUT THEM FOR FUN!”
Blinking the sparks from your eyes, you regard the candidate with a raised eyebrow. “What makes you uniquely qualified to take on this residency?”
Lexie Sharabianlou smiles. Now the two of you are in a room that could be a duke’s study. You sit in plush velvet chairs placed in front of a roaring fireplace. Around you, mahogany shelves are stuffed with books and you can detect the faint pitter-patter of rain on the windowsills.
“I love stories. Telling them, hearing them, reading them, writing them, you name it. It’s how I make sense of my world and how I connect with people.” Lexie says. From an antique globe that opens up to be a secret bar, Lexie pours a liquid into a golden goblet and offers it to you. You take a sip. It’s delicious.
“I love trying new things in storytelling and coming up with wild, off-beat ways to tell stories. I love to make people laugh. And most of all, I love working with other creative minds–learning from them, bouncing ideas off of them, working together to craft something extraordinary. I think in that way, I am perfectly posed to excel in this position.”
You only give a non-committal “hmmm” as you take another sip of the mysterious beverage. Somewhere, a clock chimes.
“Oh dear, I must be going.” Lexie tidily whisks away your goblet. “Horace will be here any minute.”
“Horace?” you ask.
There’s a crash. You whirl behind you to see a giant eagle’s head peers through a window, shattered glass littering the Persian rug below it.
“That’s the third time this week!” Lexie throws up her hands in exasperation. Horace coos apologetically. Lexie shakes her head with a smile. She gives the eagle a scritch under his beak. “You’re such a dingus, Horace.”
Horace caws in agreement.
Lexie reaches her hand out to give you a handshake. “I appreciate your time. I hope I can get some feedback on this experiment next time we see each other.”
“I would enjoy that,” you say, clasping her hand with yours in a professional farewell. As soon as you let go, the world shifts.
You are back at your office, the keys to the building still poised for unlocking in your hand. In the distance, you hear the cry of an eagle and a shout.
“Feel free to reach out to me at lexieshar@gmail.com or call me with any questions!”
Best,
Lexie
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