I’m applying to jobs. Sometimes, it gets maddening to write the same professional cover letter over and over again. So I write silly ones to raise morale. Sometimes I send them. Sometimes I don’t. But in the mean time, they can be enjoyed here! (P.S. You should hire me)
Job Description:
You love to write and people enjoy to read your writing. It’s friendly, humorous, and easy to understand. You have a way with words that’s engaging and joyful. You can take a complex topic, and make it clear and easy to understand.
You have superb English skills (both verbal and written). You are able to take your thoughts and put them together in easy to understand language. You’re able to convey your content in an enticing, accurate, and jargon-free way. You appreciate a good oxford comma.
You want to work in a place where you can do your best work and have fun too. You are always looking for better ways to grab the readers attention.
You’ve probably already found numerous things in this job ad, that could be worded better. Maybe even in this paragraph.
It would be great however, if you could put some effort into the “Important bit” area. It’s quite aptly named, it’s what we care most about. You might tell us, a little bit about yourself, why you are applying for this job, what you bring to the party that we shouldn’t miss out on, and anything else you think we might find interesting.
My About Me Section:
Hello! My name is Lexie Sharabianlou and I am excited to put myself forward for the position of Writer at [Name of Company]. I know you read a lot of these, so I may as well make this interesting:
[Thunder crashes in the distance, a maniacal laugh fills the air. Ominous music rises like a thick smoke around the reader of this application.]
An evil darkness has descended on the content world. Click-bait articles are swarming social media, offering no real substance to readers in need of knowledge. A blight of jargon and uppityness has infected blogs and “Help” articles. Derivative content strategies that treat readers like lobotomized gerbils have taken over websites all over the world.
In other words, this is hell.
[The hopeful sound of a flute plays like a songbird’s first note in the blackest night of winter]
But! The townspeople of [Name of Company]ville are valiant in their fight against this onslaught of stale content. Their goal to create an enjoyable and educational reading experience across all of their content mediums is a noble one, much like King Arthur’s quest for the Holy Grail.
[The clash of weapons, battle cries, approximately 14 cannons firing at once]
But who will aid them in the fight against dull copy, the battle against limp and listless content strategy, the great war against voiceless content marketing?
[A mysterious bassoon plays, moaning like a ghost in a bathtub]
They say there is an ancient prophecy, that speaks of The One-With-A-Really-Long-Last-Name who was destined for wordsmithing where the red fruit grows. The prophecy states that she will wander the No Man’s Land of content creation, writing and biding her time until she finds her true home. She seeks a group of kind-hearted souls who use the fruits of their labor for good and who seek to be the voice of truth and enjoyable content in the world. The ancients foretold that The One-With-A-Really-Long-Last-Name will bring enthusiasm, creativity, and a love of learning wherever she goes. But who is this Chosen One? Who will join the townspeople of [Name of Company]ville in their fight against evil?
[An explosion of victorious trumpets play as a feeling of rightness fills the soul of the person reading this application, a choir of angels sing Queen’s “We Are The Champions”]
She is Lexie “The Word Wizard” Sharabianlou!
Her cape is fortified with the strength of a thousand thesauruses. Her super senses can detect a misplaced comma from a mile away. Her editing blade was forged in the heart of a dying star (right next to Mjolnir) and can cut away excess wordage to create maximum impact. Her deft hands have conjured every piece of digital content known to mankind–landing pages, blogs, newsletters, video scripts, audio scripts, and devastatingly witty Tweets.
She is here. She is ready to fulfill the prophecy, to join the extraordinary [Name of Company] team and create outstanding content with a voice you will never forget.
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